My Why!

Being a heavy weight gal...

Trying to stay on track...

and having mild depression...

Isn't the easiest thing.

I'm trying to remember my why - and sometimes it gets lost in the feelings of sadness, loneliness, and embarrassment. 

Well - my why got lost completely last night - actually this whole weekend.  I didn't fall completely off the rails, but I didn't care what and how much I put in my mouth.

UNTIL...

I woke up this morning.

When I woke up I remembered exactly why I don't do this to myself.  Why I can't do this to myself.

Last night I indulged on pop tarts, the banana cake Ella made, peanut butter, nutella, and frosting.

On top of the pupusas, chicken tenders, m&m's, french fries, etc.

It's awful.  Why did I do it?  I'm not sure.  If I really sit and think about it, it all stems to my anxiety.  I was anxious all weekend about Ella leaving for camp yesterday.  Even though its the 2nd time she's gone to this camp.  She's going to be far away from me and I'll miss her terribly.

And then she left.  And I didn't allow myself ot follow plan. I lost myself.  With BINGO, I just ate and ate.  It was awful.

I felt empty without her there.  Hopefully I can keep that in the back of my head for the rest of the week.  Good thing I get to go out for dinner with people this week.  It's going to be a great week without her.  But why can't I allow myself just to succeed?

Just fricking do it Sam.

I need to remember the Why in it all.

I don't want to fall again and be in so much pain - that I truly think I broke or fratctured my hip.
I want to be able to keep up with Ella.
I want to show Ella that being active and eating healthier is actually a great way to live.
I want to look better in my clothes
I want to feel better in my clothes
I want to be more comfortable in my skin
I want heels to be a breeze to wear.
I want to find a STUNNING dress for the next banquet.
I want to hear the compliments of how I look
I want to hear the statements where they say I am motivating them
I want to feel like a new person.
I want to thrive.
I don't want to fall down and stay down again.
I deserve happiness.
I deserve to see the end goal.
I deserve to see the finish line.
I deserve to lose it all and become lifetime.