Disappointment...

So, Sunday early afternoon and I am feeling incredibly pissed off.

It's MEA weekend and I haven't been able to do a damn thing with my kid.  Well, one that includes us leaving the house.

Wanna know why?  Because I'm broke. 

I paid all my bills and my account is in the negative.

Now, I could charge an afternoon of fun with my lil lady, but that makes me even more disgusted. 

I was on my way to kickboxing this morning and I turned around.  I have never done that before.  Ever.

I'm so mad at myself and now I'm taking it out on Ella.  UGH!

She baked a cake last night and in flipping it out of the pan it broke.  There's no fixing it, so I suggested that she make cake balls.  Well - she decided to use all the damn sprinkles that we have in 12 cake balls.  This shit pisses me off.  Not only did she not ask if she could, she just did it and now she's upset with herself because the cake balls are an FUGLY color. 

I'm just irritated all over the board. 

I came home to hang with Ella because it feels like I never see her and here I am pissed off at her, myself, and everyone else.  I want to shake this mood, but I don't know how.

I should've gone to kickboxing.  I should have never turned around.  I'm so mad at myself.

I gotta get outta this funk.  Not sure how though.

I should've gone to kickboxing.

Something has been on my mind...

Recently a friend reconnected with me.  We'll call him C.  C and I have known each other for about 10+ years.

We became friends when I worked with Medica.  We've tried doing the romantical thing, the friend thing, and the coworker thing. 

Last time I saw and spoke with C, wasn't the greatest.  I was hurt and frustrated with him and was tired of what seemed like a game that he was playing with myself and my daughter.  So, I told him how disappointed I was and even though he apologized, I couldn't get over it.

Nobody disappoints my daughter.  And if you're a friend of mine and you promise something to my daughter and don't have the decency to explain the disappointment, then you can kick rocks.

Well, anywho... Here I am, busy living my life with my mini, and he contacts me back.  After 3+ years...  we've only texted to play catch up, and I'm still pissed at him.

Even more so after he had the balls to recently tell me that I am too involved in my responsibilities to achieve my deserved happiness.

Now, it's been weeks since we've brought that shit up, but it's stuck in my head.  I know he's full of shit, but when I take a step back and look at all that I do, I do just surround myself with my responsibilities.

I don't hide behind them, like he thinks I do.

I focus on them because when I accomplish them, it makes me happy.

It's 9:30 on a Sunday morning and I'm almost done with my chores.  That's HUGE for me, and helps with my internal happiness.  My daughter is happy and healthy because I can keep myself centered enough to focus on being happy too.

I will have to say, I do put her and my responsibilities in front of my own desires, and it's a learning process for me.  I want to do better for me.  It's all baby steps in learning how to grow, right?

I know where he's going with his statement though, he's more concerned about my marital status and that I have not allowed a man to help and love me. 

I don't need it.  I've got plenty of friends and family around me that are in the same boat, or have been, and in my opinion, their life is beautiful.

Absolutely beautiful.

So screw you C.  You can't win my brain battles.  I am learning to love myself.  You just don't see the true beauty because you're hiding behind text messages. 

Day 11 - Blog Challenge - 10 Favorite Foods

How could I just limit myself to 10 foods?

I love food.  I love it a bit too much.

Love it more than I love myself sometimes. 

Which is a vicious cycle - clearly, I'm fluffy and struggling to lose weight.

Today, July 29th... I'm loving myself more than I'm loving food.  Food is here to help me survive.  I need it to live.  And I want to live a fantastic day today. 

1) Peanut Butter anything - cookies, shakes, pie, cheesecake, or even by itself.  Hmmmm peanut butter.
2) Eggs - anyway. 
3) Cottage cheese - love it plain, love it with cherry tomatoes and jalepeno strip thingys, love it with mango and tajin. 
4) CHERRIES!!  OMG!!!
5) Pupusas - I'm afraid I've already had the best at La Manana on E 7th, so I'm scared to try anywhere else.
6) Spreadable cheese - Laughing Cow's Spicy Pepper one is amazing!
7) Cheesecake - prefer just plain cheesecake - or the one with the glazed strawberry on top at Cafe Latte.
8) Donuts - nothing jelly filled though
9) Alfredo - unfortunately I could just drink it.
10) Pickles!  Omg, these have been a godsend to have with lunches!  TOTAL Godsend!  :)

I'm going to go have a fantastic day.  You should to. 

My Why!

Being a heavy weight gal...

Trying to stay on track...

and having mild depression...

Isn't the easiest thing.

I'm trying to remember my why - and sometimes it gets lost in the feelings of sadness, loneliness, and embarrassment. 

Well - my why got lost completely last night - actually this whole weekend.  I didn't fall completely off the rails, but I didn't care what and how much I put in my mouth.

UNTIL...

I woke up this morning.

When I woke up I remembered exactly why I don't do this to myself.  Why I can't do this to myself.

Last night I indulged on pop tarts, the banana cake Ella made, peanut butter, nutella, and frosting.

On top of the pupusas, chicken tenders, m&m's, french fries, etc.

It's awful.  Why did I do it?  I'm not sure.  If I really sit and think about it, it all stems to my anxiety.  I was anxious all weekend about Ella leaving for camp yesterday.  Even though its the 2nd time she's gone to this camp.  She's going to be far away from me and I'll miss her terribly.

And then she left.  And I didn't allow myself ot follow plan. I lost myself.  With BINGO, I just ate and ate.  It was awful.

I felt empty without her there.  Hopefully I can keep that in the back of my head for the rest of the week.  Good thing I get to go out for dinner with people this week.  It's going to be a great week without her.  But why can't I allow myself just to succeed?

Just fricking do it Sam.

I need to remember the Why in it all.

I don't want to fall again and be in so much pain - that I truly think I broke or fratctured my hip.
I want to be able to keep up with Ella.
I want to show Ella that being active and eating healthier is actually a great way to live.
I want to look better in my clothes
I want to feel better in my clothes
I want to be more comfortable in my skin
I want heels to be a breeze to wear.
I want to find a STUNNING dress for the next banquet.
I want to hear the compliments of how I look
I want to hear the statements where they say I am motivating them
I want to feel like a new person.
I want to thrive.
I don't want to fall down and stay down again.
I deserve happiness.
I deserve to see the end goal.
I deserve to see the finish line.
I deserve to lose it all and become lifetime.

Blog Challenge - Day 10 - Best Trip of Your Life

Best Trip of my life?

Well... I'm going to have to say the trip where I got to take Ella down to Florida in 2015.

We stayed in a townhouse for a few days and then stayed with my aunt and uncle a few days.

We did the Universal Studios two days, Medevil Times dinner, and we hung out at the beach.

It was a stressful trip, but worth it. 

Can't wait to go on out next adventure.

Blog Challenge - Day 9 - "What's in Your Bag"

First and foremost, trying to squeeze time into blog EVERY day has been difficult and I don't care.  I've got plenty of living to do.

I'm proud I'm on day 9, and even though it's taking me over 30 days to get to Day 9, I'm proud I'm still doing it.

Today's topic is weird, "What's in Your Bag?"

Why do you care?  I mean really???

I will almost always have 2 different types of something for my lips (lipstick, chapstick/lip balm, and lip gloss is pictured).  I ALWAYS have gum, lighters, pens, and body spray/perfume. 

My WW books, a Bingo dobber, business cards, the infamous wallet, mints, keys (obviously), and nicotine gum keeps me going.

My purse isn't anything fancy, it's Merona - which I scored at the MN Home Outlet about 6 months ago for $15 and the wallet and lil pouch thing are from Thirty-One.

Nothing fancy - but sometimes if someone asks about the wallet, I'll tell them its a fancy dead lizard of some sorts to get their facial expression.  lol

Well now your nosey self wants to see what it looks like all laid out, I'm sure... 

It's ok - I'd be nosy too. 

Blog Challenge - Day 8 - "Your 5 Current Goals"

Gosh, it's been awhile.

This blog day challenge - is that: a challenge. 

I don't know my current goals.  I have no clue what's going on anymore.  My head is constantly analyzing and sorting things, but never putting them into action.

Every Merchandising/Marketing meeting my boss puts on her agenda "A goal is a wish without a plan".

And when I came to this day in my challenge to blog, I stalled.  I honestly am so confused with life, that I don't know what's up or down.

Ya know, as I over analyze things, it dawned on me.  It's simple.

1) Finish this blog challenge
2) Finish the book I'm reading "Out of Line" by Barbara Lynch
3) STICK TO WEIGHT WATCHERS
4) Get my passport
5) Get through this court thing

That's not too scary. 

I gotta stop over analyzing things.  The answers are right there.